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INSIGHT- Newton News 1985
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  The darkest hours come just before the dawn.

 So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk

 and newspaper,  that's the time to do it.

  

  Don't aspire to become irreplaceable.

If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

 

  Never forget that like everyone else, you are unique.

 

  Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

 

  If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments

 

  Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

 

  • If at first you don't succeed, don’t take up skydiving.

            Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat

and drink beer all day.

 

  • Have you ever lent someone 20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

          If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

 

          Some days we are the flies; some days we are the

          windscreen.

 

  • Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

           A closed mouth gathers no feet.

 

  • There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman.

Neither one works.

 

  • Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.

          Never miss a good chance to shut up.

 

  • Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

          When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get

          smacked on our  a***. From there on in, life gets worse

 

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the hell alone. 

 

No one is listening until you make a mistake. 

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. 

 

It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help. 

 

  • The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

          Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.

 

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.

I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

 

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

 

If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

 

If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him....Is he still wrong?

 

Is it true that cannibals won't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Beware lest you lose the substance by grasping at the shadow.

 

The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.

 

As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

 

I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

 

I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

 

I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself, unless I want to stay employed.

 

In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

 

Having control over myself is almost as good as having control over others.

 

My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of self-judgment.

 

I honor my personality flaws for without them I would have no personality at all.

Joan of Arc heard voices, too.

 

I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-righteous people around me.

 

I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.

 

As I learn the innermost secrets of people around me, they reward me in many ways to keep me quiet.

 

When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.

 

The first step is to say nice things about myself. The second, to do nice things for myself.

 

The third, to find someone to buy me nice things.

 

As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.

 

All of me is beautiful, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.

 

I am at one with my duality.

 

Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots.

 

Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself with imaginary fears.

 

Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

 

False hope is better than no hope at all.

 

A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

 

Why should I waste my time reliving the past when I can spend it worrying about the future?

 

The complete lack of evidence is the surest sign that the conspiracy is working.

 

I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

 

Becoming aware of my character defects leads me naturally to the next step of blaming my parents.

 

To have a successful relationship, I must learn to make it look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.

 

I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

 

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

 

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

 

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

 

Seen it all; can't remember most of it.

 

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

 

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

 

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

 

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how living remains so popular?

 

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

 

You can't have everything; where would you put it all?

 

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

 

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

 

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

 

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

 

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

 

Everybody lies. But it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

 

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

 

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

 

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity

 

Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

 

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

 

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

 

What do people in China call their good plates?

 

What is the speed of dark?

 

How does a thermos know when to keep something hot,hot...and something cold, cold?

 

What lies before us and what lies beyond us is tiny compared to what lies within us."

 

Success doesn't come the way you think it does, it comes from the way you think."

 

Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference."

 

To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing

 

Those who stand for nothing fall for everything

 

The lowest ebb is the turn of the tide."

 

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

 

Drive carefully. It’s not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.

 

Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time and annoys the pig.

 

 

King Arthur

 

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So the monarch offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question: What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester.

He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch--only she would know the answer. The price would be high; the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend. Young Arthur was horrified: She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises... etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it was. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had. Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display, and generally made everyone very uncomfortable.

The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him. The astounded Gawain asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she'd appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible, deformed self half the time, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.

Which would he want her to be during the day, and which during the night.

What a cruel question. Gawain pondered his predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old witch. Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments.

What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

 

What is the moral of this story?

 

The moral is: If a woman doesn't get her own way, things are going to get ugly.

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