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Up yours -The true story?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or pluck yew).

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major battle and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! Pluck Yew!"

Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird'





A man flying in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. Reducing altitude, he spotted a man on the ground and descended to shouting range.

"Excuse me," he shouted. "Can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him a half hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below responded: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West Longitude."

"You must be an engineer," responded the balloonist.

"I am," the man replied. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

Whereupon the man on the ground responded, "You must be a manager."

"That I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

Who's in charge?

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

"I should be in charge", said the brain, because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge", said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away".

"I should be in charge", said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy".

"I should be in charge", said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal".

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight. Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.

Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story?

You don't have to be smart or important to be in charge... just an asshole.

25 Rules of Order

1. I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

2 . I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

3. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

4. Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.

5. I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

6. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?

7. My reality cheque has bounced.

8. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

9. I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.

10. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

11. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.

12. A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

13. Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

14. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

15. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

16. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

17. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

18. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

19. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

20. Following the rules will not get the job done.

21. When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"





"Where to Place Them"

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.

If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut, Computer Information Systems is their niche.

If the room has a sweaty odour, perhaps they're destined for the Help Desk.

If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, put them into Purchasing.

If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.

If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.


"The Second 10 Commandments"

1. Thou shall not worry, for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.

2. Thou shall not be fearful, for most of the things we fear never come to pass.

3. Thou shall not cross bridges before you come to them, for no one yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.

4. Thou shall face each problem as it comes. You can only handle one at a time anyway.

5. Thou shall not take problems to bed with you, for they make very poor bedfellows.

6. Thou shall not borrow other people's problems. They can better care for them than you can.

7. Thou shall not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is forever gone. Concentrate on what is happening in your life and be happy now!

8. Thou shall be a good listener, for only when you listen do you hear ideas different from your own. It is hard to learn something new when you are talking, and some people do know more than you do.

9. Thou shall not become "bogged down" by frustration, for 90% of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive action.

10. Thou shall count thy blessings, never overlooking the small ones, for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one

What makes 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful.

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.


8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%

11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far ass kissing will take you.

1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%


The 6 stages of a project

The 6 stages of any project:

1 Enthusiasm

2 Disillusionment

3 Panic

4 Search for the guilty

5 Punishment of the innocent

6 Reward of the non-participants


Expressions for high stress days

1. You! Off my planet!!

2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?

3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

5. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 28 years.

6. Allow me to introduce my selves.

7. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

8. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

9. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

10. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

11. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

12. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

13. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.

14. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

15. You say I'm a witch like it's a bad thing.

16. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

17. Chaos, panic & disorder - my work here is done.

18. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.

19. Earth is full. Go home.

20. Is it time for your medication or mine?

21. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?

22. How do I set the laser printer to stun?

23. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

24. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.

 There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it...for example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

 If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, 
 but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

 The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body 
 and your fat have become really good friends.

 The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a 

He who hesitates is probably right.

If you think there is good in everybody, you just haven't met everybody yet.

 If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in 

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

 The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth!


Lessons in Management


Lesson One –

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A  small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?  The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson –

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting  very very high up.


Lesson Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?", replied the bull.  "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, found it  actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.  Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson –

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't
keep you there.